Why The Cold Approach Community Never Evolves, And How It Can If It Chooses To
- Shaka Piontkowskie
- Mar 16
- 4 min read
"There is no present or future - only the past, happening over and over again - now." - Eugene O'Neill
This morning, I was thinking about how, in political matters, the US (where I live) swings from left to right and back again. We the people elect Democrats to fix our society, only to confide in and select Republicans the next time around, only to go back and undo that selection, on and on, in an endless pendulum. We continually swing from one pole to the other without recognizing the merits or synthesizing the best of both camps to give us a different outcome altogether.
I start with this example because, to the newcomer in the cold approach community who isn't aware, this debate between "tactics and techniques" vs "authenticity and self-expression" has raged before. From 2010-2015, the community was locked in a heated tug-of-war between "scripted game" vs "natural game". Scripted game referred to routines and canned lines, pre-planned structures used as strict paths to run interactions along; natural game referred to the feeling and vibe you brought to a set by expressing how you felt about the girl directly, speaking your mind straightforward about everything in the conversation. Being in a positive, free-flowing momentum was referred to as being "in state", and we constantly heard how important "self-amusement" and "state transference" was to getting girls engaged.
Firm adherents to either side continually battled with each other, typing in all caps, screaming until they were blue in the face to get their point across. "My side is better, your side is worse!", "This is the only thing that works!", "Anyone who does such and such is an idiot/loser/psychopath, etc!"The problem was, that neither side was completely wrong. Neither side was completely right, either. Authentic self-expression and spontaneity is important. But, so are tactics and techniques. NEITHER ONE is more important than the other. They both REQUIRE EACH OTHER to work fully.
Let's speak on creativity as a corollary to the aforementioned. Contrary to much popular belief, creativity is NOT a free-for-all. Creativity is NOT the license to do ABSOLUTELY anything and everything in terms of expression. True creativity REQUIRES guidelines, boundaries, rules, and regulations to thrive. Creativity without rules is A MESS, a soup of fantastical ideas with nothing concrete to build upon. Creativity comes alive, and gains meaning within the borders and shades that contain it.
Self-expression, authenticity, and personal honesty only shine through STRUCTURE and TECHNIQUES that can magnify it. Imagine being a basketball player who believes his authenticity comes through in dribbling slow using both of his hands at the same time like a toddler. He may be able to claim this defect as "his unique personal expression", but this will severely hinder him from being chosen for teams or games, let alone helping him win any. As another example, we can take on a vision of a networking event. We see business owners and professional men and women hobnobbing with each other gracefully, then catch a glimpse of an "authentic" socialite going around telling potential clients or funders how terrible their outfits look and how they should have chosen something better to wear. Whether our inept socialite is right or wrong is irrelevant; the fact is that there is a SPECIFIC WAY, TIME AND TACT to saying things of this manner. By confusing authenticity as an anytime, anywhere, anyhow phenomenon, they have clearly "expressed" that their social IQ is not where it should be and shot themselves in the foot as far as bringing attention to their cause.
Authenticity and personal expression PROPERLY channeled is gold and genius. With no structure, it has no legs to stand on and is likely to become a liability.
"Author Ernest Hemingway once bet some friends that he could write an entire story in just six words. Seems impossible. But what the enforced structure does is push you to your creative limits. His story?
For sale: baby shoes, never worn.
The constraint has fueled the idea."
The key to ending the debate is to realize that the right answer is not either/or, it's BOTH. The reason I singled out "authenticity" instead of the tactics side of things is that tactics and routines are usually demeaned as being robotic, formulaic, and stiff. It's easy to see that tactics without personality fall flat; however, the opposite is not easy to see. Many men who are active approachers think that personality without tactics is the way to go, and will justify the lack of women interested in them as a positive sign that "their personality is screening through the time wasters" to get to the "good women", who are also non-existent.
For us to evolve as a community, it takes the understanding that "one hand washes the other"; personality and tactics are two separate puzzle pieces that are limited in effectiveness until they meet in the middle to create something greater.
If you've read this far and want to be part of the new wave of cold approachers that understands both are important, you can learn how to implement both by sending us an email at manaliveapproach@gmail.com and applying for coaching or checking out our courses. You can also check out the rest of the blog, packed with ideas very rarely talked about like this: Best Flirt Course Ever, Pt. 1
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